Sailing a Ship of Influence

Influence can come from the most unknowing of places, whether its noticed or passed, accepted, given without consent or even ignorantly claimed to be one's own.

I've come to the conclusion (and I don't mean to finish before I start) that without the influence of others, one cannot reach their full potential.  Only through the influence of others can one only truly become "themselves". 

 We believe ourselves to be free, free to choose, free to act, but when do we ever go about our daily lives without questioning?  Though it is through the illusion of choice that society claims us all to be unique and different, harbors of varying ideas, boats of opportunity with ships full to the brim with crew, deckmates and a captain;  thoughts, morals and beliefs.

But are you really your own captain? Or is your ship sailed by the influence of others, pushing you to port, to starboard, back to land and out to open sea all simultaneously?  How often is the true value of choice given to one without the judgment, disdain and in some cases silent ridicule of others?  Forcing unto the thinker, a slew of contradiction to what was originally decided.

It is believed that those who surround us only want to help us out, and in some cases this may, in fact, be very true.  However there are cases when those who surround us do nothing more than create a barrier, blocking all creativity and individuality.

It is within society, groups of peers and central ideas that one is forced to act a certain way, ruled by fear of exile, labelling and the dreaded judgement.  No matter age, gender or race,

Conformity is an influence that is largely overlooked.  Surrounded by those who supposedly support, one would feel free and encouraged to act the way they want and to speak their minds.  But, again, in most cases this is not always the truth.  People take blows from groups of people who are meant to only reassure them, accepting these lashes without second thought... because they're my friends and they must know best!

It is in human nature to release one's frustrations and insecurities, but it is within human choice to not do that unto a friend.  Tearing others down is only a result of a miserable feeling from within, and it is a friend's duty to listen to these, not to fall victim to moments of weakness.  Misery and excuses go hand in hand, taking out the insecurities, fears and pain that are felt on a friend is only an immature, selfish way in which humans react when threatened.  We feel the need to bring down people to the levels which we are currently at, whether that be on a good or bad day.  But what happens when a friend's bad days span not just a simple 24-hours but the entire existence of your relationship?  Do you eventually grow to accept how they treat you, relishing the fun moments spent together and turning a blind eye to the bad times? 

My theory is that a true friend will be honest with you,  providing input and support in both the bad times and the good, no matter the circumstances.  Because a friend is someone who won't have to feel superior to their counterpart, plagued with the feeling that they have something to prove just because of the way they feel, look or have been judged on a given day. 

Bringing back my introduction/conclusion in this rambling blog post I feel as though through separating one's self from the accepted negativity of others, one can only then reflect on who they are and want to be; creating not an illusion of what a friend "should" be or of how great and unique an  individual they are, but of a self-knowing captain, who navigates their own ship no matter how stormy the waters may be, getting from point A to B without mutiny, retreat or capsizing.

.... or scurvy for that matter.

The Right Decisions

As I sit here, finding myself with a wicked case of writer's block, the only thing I seem to be able to consider are the decisions I will eventually be forced to make and the repercussions that could and will ensue.

Making a feeble attempt to write actually seems to be the least of my problems at the moment but it does, in a sense, force me to reflect on the things I have yet to do, the decisions I have yet to make.
Millions of ideas, tiny voices, swirling around in the seemingly empty space that used to be my brain's.  Worries, negativity, doubt, fears, questions unanswered just seem to hang.  However, when reaching out in feeble attempts to face them, I find myself empty handed, dazed and confused.  Every one of my worries seemingly linked to the other, separate they are powerless but together, unsolved, they seem far more powerful than I do.

Before this week, I had honestly been enjoying the college (cegep here in Quebec) experience.  I am currently studying to get two DECs; one in health sciences and the other in social sciences. My justifications for choosing this program were that it would keep my options open, I had all the prerequisites and it would allow me to explore different potential fields and careers.  However, as my readers may or may not have determined:

I am no scientist.

This may seem completely irrelevant and unrelated to my introduction however, this leads me to my most prominent unanswered question which is undoubtedly, in my opinion, one of the most powerful of the lot.  What exactly am I going to do career and decision-wise?  This week has only proven to me how much I struggle to get the marks acceptable by my standards in the science field and quite frankly, how little I enjoy these classes.  I've always just gone through the motions of taking the harder courses or programs in order to "keep all doors open" so that if ever I change my mind, choosing sciences for one reason or another, I wouldn't have to go back in order to get my high school chemistry, physics, advanced math, etc.  College is different than high school, and I feel as though I may only be limiting myself in regards to what I could be potentially discovering.  Whether that discovery be of a career option or of some new part of me. 

Are all of one's worries brought upon one's self?  Do my faults of indecisiveness and doubt not flaw my overall forms of critical thinking in regards to the decisions I am to make for myself?  Sometimes I wish I could simply turn a blind eye to all the decisions I deem life changing or extremely important, though I concede relativity plays an enormous part in my views and the drama I clearly must enjoy.  Ignorance may be bliss but apathy is forced and though, I admit to feeling scared and confused as to where my paths will take me I wonder how anyone could not be preoccupied with such things.  The right decisions not only play a part in how your day will play out, but in some cases your life or your career.  I wish I knew how to go about deciding, whether the brutal cliché of following one's heart will ring true, or whether it will be awaiting me in future years to slam me with regret.  The right decisions are always the hardest to make in my opinion, and I've substituted my chemistry studying time with writing this post and now have yet another voice to add to the chorus inside my head.

Find my happy place.

Lunchbag Letdown.

Clearly I've forgotten about the whole idea I had about "posting every week" and such.  But that is so very typical of me and my enormous schemes, my grandiose ideas and thus; my lunchbag letdowns.

So this is essentially just... tying up my blog from this summer to now, fall.

I will make a serious attempt to post from now on, no more of this funny "hey, lets not post forever then pop back in again" business

Then again, you never know...  could just be another lunchbag letdown.